Just last night, I realized that truly we are only living temporarily here on Earth. A good friend of ours in Church just lost his mother due to a car accident, and just this morning, he also lost his grandmother. Death to me is gruesome and unacceptable, however that's what we call life, and whether we like it or not God has the power to give, and the power to take away.
To be honest, I cannot concentrate with my work. Though the person who died is not a relative of mine, I still feel affected and burdened because I know it will be very tough for a person to deal with not one but two deaths in the family. Though I may not know how he is really feeling right now since I have not yet encountered 2 deaths within 2 days in our family, I know the feeling of losing someone you dearly love. The most hurtful and painful part of it is accepting the fact that that person is already gone.
I never shared my heartaches when it comes to losing someone you love. Most of the people close to me knows how strong my personality is, and rarely do I show signs of weakness. Like our friend, I have been through a death of 2 family members as well, however it did not happened within 2 days. Still, it was hard for me. I never talked about how I felt when they died, and as far as my family knows it I cried once and after that its as if nothing happened. I just thought maybe this is the right time for me to open up and talk about it.
My grandfather (mother's side) is a very very hardworking and loving person. I can remember him giving me a huge doll he bought from a marketplace in Manila. Unlike my dad, my mom's family lives in a small house, they are not rich and live a simple life. Every Sunday we would go to their place in Manila to visit them and my cousin. My grandmother would cook delicious food, like dinuguan (my favorite), bicol express, laing, and adobo with egg. My grandfather on the other hand would play with us, talk with my parents and tell us stories.
I love my grandfather so much and it was hard for me to witness the things that he was going through when he was diagnosed with bone cancer. What's harder is knowing that he is an atheist, he does not believe in God nor in any other gods. Anyway, yes we have witnessed how my grandfather suffered from that terrible sickness, I was still in elementary when that happened, and I can remember clearly how he would scream due to pain whenever he would try to move or if someone would touch him. Every part of his entire body was fragile, and he was screaming as if they were going to break. I never cried, nor even shed a tear during those days times. Though I was hurt and it was hard for me, I just stood there, waiting and watching.
I can still remember the day my mother broke the news that my grandfather's dead like yesterday. I got home from school, and as I was playing with my younger brother, the phone rang, my mother was on the other line crying, then she said: "Achi, guwakong's dead....." then I cried...then my mom said "its ok, just think of the bright side, his suffering is over.." then I said okay and hung up. I told my brother about it, both of us started crying.
The next day we went to the funeral after school. As I watched the people who came, I realized how many people loved him, that he had helped a lot of people and he had been kind to them. Some of the people who came were the ones I have never seen before, some where family members, relatives, and friends of my mom. As the people were coming in and out of the funeral, I was just at the corner sitting, and looking at the glass door where my grandfather's casket was. When I saw no one else was going in to see his body, I stood up, went inside the glass doors, and locked myself in. Though my parents told me its okay for me not to look, I still went inside to look. I guess it shocked my parents, plus the fact that I locked myself inside. I looked at the casket and looked at his face, staring at him, wondering if he's just sleeping, and if he'd still wake up. I was in denial of the fact that he's gone. I forgot how long I stayed inside looking at him, but after I went out of that room, I went back to my seat and stayed there until it was time for us to go home.
After the death of my grandfather, things were never the same. Though we still get to visit my grandmother, of course we never felt complete again. However, life must go on, and we have to deal with it. Years passed by and I was already in my college years when another tragedy struck my family. Another death to deal with, it was my mother's one and only brother. Cause of death? Doctor said "halo-halong sakit".
My uncle (mother's side) was the only brother and only sibling of my mom. Yes they are very very close and mom loves him dearly. It was my cousin's birthday when he called my mom saying that he's not feeling very well, so my mom and I rushed to their place and took him to the hospital. When we got to the hospital he was confined and we left him with his family to rest. As my mom was driving, I closed my eyes to get some sleep however, as I closed my eyes, I saw my uncle, in his deathbed. This I never told my mother, until today she has no idea about this ever happening. I quickly opened my eyes, forgot about sleeping in the car, prayed and kept my mind on other things.
2 days after, again, my mom called, this time I was in the car with my grandparents (father's side), my dad, and my siblings. My uncle died. We rushed to the hospital, there I saw my mom by the ICU crying, and then I cried. I looked out the hospital's window, crying, thinking why, why did this happened and how. We went home after, helped my mom recuperate, and tried to comfort her. It was hard not to cry but because we don't want my mother to feel worse, we have to keep our tears from falling. Though I was never close with my uncle, I loved him dearly, and I know how much he loves us too.
At the funeral, my cousin was crying and as he was talking to me, he told me that the day his father died, he never got to the chance to even tell him that he loves him and that he's sorry. Apparently my cousin had a fight with my uncle the day my uncle was confined in the hospital, and he never apologized, now he is living with this guilt inside him and I truly feel sorry for him. I was with him the whole time. Everyday I make it a point to go to the funeral and be with my cousin and comfort him. Again, I looked at the casket and looked at my uncle, its as if he's just sleeping. Like at my grandfather's funeral, I cried the day I got the news, but at the funeral, not even one tear dropped from my eye, and by the time that he was getting cremated, I still never cried.
3 years have passed since my uncle's death, and it has been 11 years since my grandfather's death, still I've never gotten over their deaths. I can still remember clearly the details and all their sufferings, however I can never bring them back. I can never see them again, nor hear them, or even hold them. I hate hearing news about deaths of other people's loved ones because I know how they feel, and until now I still know that feeling because I am still not over it. No one knew how I felt, and I still miss them so much that I don't want to experience losing another love one, not now, not in the future. But who am I to control that? We are temporarily living here anyway, and God knows when He'll take us away.
Hearing the death of a friend's loved one hurts me even though they are not my blood relative. It pulls me down and saddens me. However, we can do nothing but to accept it. I know God has His own reasons, and I know he'll do anything in his power to strengthen and comfort these people who just lost their loved ones. Death is a hard thing to accept, may it be caused by sickness or a fatal accident. It still hurts, and no matter how hard you try to forget, it will always remind you about the world that were living in right now is not permanent but temporary. All we can do is stay, wait and accept it.
No comments:
Post a Comment